I generally refrain from really writing about myself on these platforms, I don't really think it's a place I want to put my life out for the world to read and see but off late there is so much I've been wanting to vent about, I write and delete it and then I write again and end up deleting it, I finally thought perhaps it's time I just go ahead and let it all out of my system.
Have you ever been in a space where a single thought is the only thing that has taken up all the real estate of your mind and you are busy struggling to get it out of there to free up some space and dedicate that bandwidth to something more fruitful but one fine day you confront it and when you do, all the skeletons from your closet and theirs start to tumble out and you are left wondering if it was even worth it? I really don't know, how in the world am I supposed to fight that feeling. The constant bothering of my thoughts that have now invaded my personal space and are only causing mayhem leading to more and more sleepless nights while my mind goes on a 'What If' mode.
A chain of events let me to this path of self-destruction where I had a very difficult call to make, one that went against my desire, one that popular wisdom supported and rightly so. But why do we end up giving in to our desires of a life that once was? Why do we hold on to all the good memories but if you were to review the bad ones the ratio is far higher. Some of these questions remain unanswered even while I have an answer, I still look for an alternate one to only validate my thoughts.
Some days are tough and nights are even worse where all the brain does is, it goes into a reflective mode and only plays flashes of conversations once had and tries piecing together the missing links of unsaid statements and then makes it harder to sleep with thoughts clouding your mind. I wonder when will it happen where one day I sleep peacefully and wake up with a clean slate, ready to start my day similar to a school day and the blackboard; writing the date, a thought for the day and the new chapter that the teacher is about to teach, I wish we could get over with a hard day this easy.
I've been writing in the third person since the beginning of this blog and I've very rarely written something this personal. I wonder whether I should go ahead and make it a monologue where I question your decisions and why did it make it harder for me, while you were being indecisive and why to make it worse when my life was already at its low, coming in with a beacon of hope and as I start to invest I realize that it is only a false sense of comfort that I received; I was the one burning my fingers in the process which eventually led to a trauma that I am nursing to this day. The question here is, do I have to be direct with my accusations or just leave it here for you to pick up the pieces and make sense of it?
I think, I'll just leave it open-ended while I figure my shit out and then one fine day, erase it all to start with a new clean black slate while using some fancy-ass chalk pieces.
Ke ghar mein mere kuch yaaden phasi hai
Band almari mein sadne lagi hai
In mein kuch baaten bhi chupi hai
Dewaaro mein maine sab chunva diye hai
Le jaate yeh bhi saath apne lal batti mein
Yeh sab mujhe ab khaane lagi hai
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