A Piece Of Me

 I generally refrain from really writing about myself on these platforms, I don't really think it's a place I want to put my life out for the world to read and see but off late there is so much I've been wanting to vent about, I write and delete it and then I write again and end up deleting it,  I finally thought perhaps it's time I just go ahead and let it all out of my system.

Have you ever been in a space where a single thought is the only thing that has taken up all the real estate of your mind and you are busy struggling to get it out of there to free up some space and dedicate that bandwidth to something more fruitful but one fine day you confront it and when you do, all the skeletons from your closet and theirs start to tumble out and you are left wondering if it was even worth it? I really don't know, how in the world am I supposed to fight that feeling. The constant bothering of my thoughts that have now invaded my personal space and are only causing mayhem leading to more and more sleepless nights while my mind goes on a 'What If' mode.

A chain of events let me to this path of self-destruction where I had a very difficult call to make, one that went against my desire, one that popular wisdom supported and rightly so. But why do we end up giving in to our desires of a life that once was? Why do we hold on to all the good memories but if you were to review the bad ones the ratio is far higher. Some of these questions remain unanswered even while I have an answer, I still look for an alternate one to only validate my thoughts.

Some days are tough and nights are even worse where all the brain does is, it goes into a reflective mode and only plays flashes of conversations once had and tries piecing together the missing links of unsaid statements and then makes it harder to sleep with thoughts clouding your mind. I wonder when will it happen where one day I sleep peacefully and wake up with a clean slate, ready to start my day similar to a school day and the blackboard; writing the date, a thought for the day and the new chapter that the teacher is about to teach, I wish we could get over with a hard day this easy.

I've been writing in the third person since the beginning of this blog and I've very rarely written something this personal. I wonder whether I should go ahead and make it a monologue where I question your decisions and why did it make it harder for me, while you were being indecisive and why to make it worse when my life was already at its low, coming in with a beacon of hope and as I start to invest I realize that it is only a false sense of comfort that I received; I was the one burning my fingers in the process which eventually led to a trauma that I am nursing to this day. The question here is, do I have to be direct with my accusations or just leave it here for you to pick up the pieces and make sense of it?

I think, I'll just leave it open-ended while I figure my shit out and then one fine day, erase it all to start with a new clean black slate while using some fancy-ass chalk pieces.

Ke ghar mein mere kuch yaaden phasi hai

Band almari mein sadne lagi hai

In mein kuch baaten bhi chupi hai

Dewaaro mein maine sab chunva diye hai

Le jaate yeh bhi saath apne lal batti mein

Yeh sab mujhe ab khaane lagi hai

Yeh jo Khil Raha Hai

Yeh jo khil khila rahi hai muskaan, kya tum ho?

Yeh jo khil raha hai phool, kya tum ho?

Yeh jo thandi hawa mujhe ood rahi ho, kya tum ho?

Yeh jo chidi ki awaaz hai, woh kya tum ho?

Meri, bas meri, tum ho

Har waqt ki yeh aahat tum ho

Mere har geet ka raag tum ho

Meri kavita ka ek bhaagh tum ho

Mera Ishq tum ho

Mera hona tum ho

Main tum hoon.

Ab ki baar bar jab Ishq hoga na

 Ab ki baar mohabbat jab hogi

Teri aankhon se kam teri baaton se hogi

Teri muskurahat se kam teri sadgi se hogi

Jatane se kam ab isharon se hogi 

Tere har dum hone se kam humare ekaant se hogi

Ab ki baar jab ishq hoga na

Toh tujh se kam 'hum' se jyaada hogi

Shaadi ke naam pe - Jeero!

Tere sar pe champi karke

Tere saath waqt bitana 

Mujhe phir head bath lena padta hai

Kyun ki mummy ne sawaal hai karna 

Tere geele baalon ko saawarna 

Unpe hair styles ka experiment karna

Khush hona tujhe yeh karte dekh 

Par phir teri absurdity pe bhi hasna

Tere baalo mein phool laga ke 

Unhe hai saajana

Yeh toh tera shaunk hai

Mummy ne doubt hai karna

Kare jo zamana sawaal tujh se

Keh de haan pyaar hai mujh se

Keh dun gar pyaar hai tujh se

Shaadi karega kya tu mujh se?

(ladka vanishes)

Cheezy Roshesh Love Poem

Aankho ka teri mae eye drop ban jaau

Tooti heel ka teri mae fevi Kwik ban jaau

Teri jalti cigarette ka mae filter ban jaau

Tere cell phone ka mae ringtone ban jaau

Ban jaau mae tere dil ki dhadkan bhi

Ban jaau mae tere haath ki lakeer bhi

Itni gherai mujhe par raas nahi

Warna karta phirta shayari har kahi

Ban na hai mujhe tere paijaame ka nada

Bala bala - shaitaan ka saala 

Cheezy Bollywood Terrace Love Poem

Aankho ka teri mae kaajal ban jaau

Tu ladkha dae toh teri baisakhi ban jaau

Kaano main teri mae jhumka ban thirku

Phool ban tere baalo mae khilu

Ban jaau mae tere dil ki dhadkan bhi

Ban jaau mae tere haath ki lakeer bhi

Ban jaau teri har saans ki wajeh bhi 

Ban jaau mai teri jeene ki wajeh bhi

Ishq mai tere mae khud ko bhool jaau

Bas tere ishq ke liye duniya se lad jaau.

Dropping Words Slyly

I sneak in words, words that flatter 

I sneak in lines, lines (to you) that don't matter 

But I try not to barge in and demand an answer

I wait patiently on the sidelines while watching you go farther 

Yes, I sneak in words for - why should not I?

I adore you girl, and I desire to be by your side.

Aahatein - Agnee - Story

This song is a gem. Its beautiful at multiple levels - every line, every word it's just perfect, there is nothing that's wrong with it and the unplugged version is even better, I have been listening to it on loop, oh! what an absolute delight, this one. 

The amount of longing in the song and the lament in the voice of singer just keepings me coming back and wanting to listen to it day in and day out. 

Aahatein, ho rahin teri

Dil ke dar pe mere

Tu yahin hai kahin na kahin

To be able to write(lyrically) something like this and to sing and to make one feel that emotion of belonging to someone it's beyond me to write them.

Kabhi mere khwab sa

Kabhi uljhe jawaab sa

Ke chanda mein bhi daag sa

Mere jaisa tu

As flawed as you are, I match you in every aspect of your flaws and that's exactly what makes us 'US' - you and I - a puzzle flawed in our own rights yet perfection when together. 

Tera hoon main, tujhe kyon na yaqeen hai!

Chaahat mein meri aakhir kya kami hai?

Tujhme hi toh chhupi meri khudi hai

Meri khudi kuch na sahi

And here - he just steals my heart - his plea, so heart wrenching, one can feel it from the notes of the song. But who is it that's listening? 

You and I or just me, the one left at closed doors with a no-entry sign, trying to plead my way in but what does an empty house have to offer?

A desolate place has nothing about haunting memories, of a life once lived to glimpse and of all the promises never fulfilled.

Standing right at the threshold of uncertainty, of despair and of helplessness - we stand at the gates, wide ajar, rustling leaves, only a sense of gloom as an answer being conveyed as a whisper, so as to not shatter but to hold on till one is right outside all by himself to be left at the mercy of the elements and no one, absolutely no one to cajole and comfort while everything else is crumbling.

This is the space, a graveyard where desires come to commit mass suicide, of promises crucified and of happiness caged. This is the end of the road and the only way out of here is to brush off the pain and rise with the help of crutches disguised as friends or any well wisher and here we rise to restart the journey once again and eventually come back here in the end to finally lay ourselves to rest. 

Gori Chitti

Je tu gori chitti

Mae vi gabru jawaa 

Je tu photo te filter paave 

Ta mae vi tuade layi geet gaava

Je tu insta toh hatte 

Ta mai ve tik tok hai chadna 

Kol beh ke tuade mae

Baba Bulle Shah de bol nu pada 

Quran Karim de varkh ne chitte

Uthe likhi ve sihai kaali

Translation-

Thou be fair and lovely 

I too am a young boy

Filters on your photo

I too shall sing songs for you 

The day you quit insta

I too shall, Tik Tok. 

I'll then sit by your side 

And narrate the words or Baba Bulle Shah.

The Holy Quran may have white pages 

But the text on it is in black ink

(basically calling out our obsession with fair skin, while the Holy Quran itself is not obsessed with white, why are we then?)

Note: Couldn't verify if those lines were by Baba Bulleh Shah or someone else. Please correct me.

Indian Mard - Gold Goggles

She says, chalo saiyaan, time for date

I get ready, taaki I don't get late

Ponds powder, to look goora

Dolche perfume, I know, expensive thoda

Bell bottom Jean, gale main gold chain

And goggle on hair, with a gold frame 

Tooth pick, daaton ke beech chaba ke

Unbuttoned shirt, ab apan nikle

Bike pe, my silencer blaring like a siren

She sees me coming, hogayi woh lifeless

Ab toh laal paan khaana baaki tha,

Indian mard ki identity kaise jaatu bhala?

Maine Keh diya (Tu mili, main mila)

Main chand se sauda kar aaya hoo

Chandni ab sirf meri hogi

Chandni ne sawal kiya, kyun bhala?

Maine keh diya

Tu mili, main mila

Main mila, tu mili(*2)

Repeat after mee

Duniya jale toh jale

Nath recites a tale

How does one not drown in those eyes

Two fluttering butterflies

Upar se kajal bhi you apply,

Tell me, how does a man not die?

There are numerous tales your nath recites

The sight of it just mesmerize

Bewitched now, I've lost my mind 

A bit of solace, my heart not now finds.

On paper in ink you come alive 

Ekant ka paudha

Ekant main ek chota paudha tha

Uske aas paas kuch nahi tha

Woh paani ke liye taras gaya

Upar nahi woh neeche ki taraf badne laga 

Saalo beet gaye

Ekant main ab ek throny stem tha 

Dur dur tak bas wahi tha

Ab ek din achanak bhukpam aaya

Jade mazboot thi toh woh sambhal gaya

Din beete 

Ab yaha bhukam ne ek void chod diya 

Jade toh itne neeche tak thi jaha paani tha

Toh jab jab woh paani leta, 

Tab tab void bharta jaata

Mahine beete 

Akele ek taapu pe woh khada tha

Aas paas talab ban chuka tha

Woh ab akele nahi tha

Paani saath tha

News reporter

Gaur se dekhiye is khaufnaak Jad ko

Yeh Pracheen kaal se

*Insert Any God name* Bhoomi ko pollute kar raha hai.

Our country demands - The Nation wants to know, Why this atrocious monstrosity!

Few seconds later

Uss stem ne gusse main jado ko mobilise किया 

Uss reporter ke neechi ki dharti cave in ho gayi

Woh mar gaya

Khani khatam Happy Ending.

Medha ki poetry ko reply

Maine pathjhad ke saare phool chun liye hai

Maine guldasta banana seekh ke, un phoolo ko saath main piroya hai

Pathjhad sirf tum kyun chunogi

Chun chun ke, akele iska kya karogi?

Phool toh khair har mausam main khilte hai

Yeh khanan(fossil) jo tumne aaj sambhaala hai

Iska tum kya karogi?

Dafna do gi, ya yaado ke saath pirho do gi?

Tumhari hi kavita ka ansh churaya hai

Usse sabhdo main maine pihroya hai

--

Pathjhad ko chodo, tum taare chun lo,

Ve - jab udaas hogi - sirf tumhare liye chamkenge yun

Dil kush hoga, 

Muskaan bhi khilegi.

Tera apna ek ambar hoga

And you'll be it's chaandni

Aag Laga Dega

Maine 4 bottle vodka bhi piya

Maine Angrezi beat pe trip bhi kiya 

Body odour ke liye Axe bhi lagaya

Goorepan ke liye Fair and Handsome bhi lagaya

Main Bike pe stunt bhi kiya 

Main Bet main vein bhi kaata 

Main K K K K Kiraaan bhi kiya 

Main Suraj hua Madam pose bhi kiya 

Bollywood ka har woh formula fail hua

Aur main creepy label hua. 

Phir Mahan Shayar

Anu Ji Malik Ji ne kaha

Yeh Ladka 

Aag laga dega 

Aag laga dega

Aag laga dega 

Paheli Rahi

Ke zulfe teri, jo un-suljhi rahi 

Woh kehte rahe, tu ek paheli rahi 

Paheli woh, jo na kise samajh aaye

Jise samajh aaye, woh tu khud rahi 

Sehlaab

Ke aab bhi bahe sukoon se 

Jab tak tujhe na dekh le

Dekh ke tujhe sehlaab bane

Aab khud doobe, tere ishq mai

Aab - water.

Aankhon ki Shikayat

Aankho main shikayate toh hai kaafi saari

Par kahu toh kis se kahu?

Pad lo bas woh sabab aanko main mere

Na rafiq se keh saku, na ishq se 

Sabab - reason 

Rafiq - friend 

Dhuan Hua

Shaam jo dhuan hua

Main bhi chupp gaya

Na jaane kis soz mai

Khud ko jhonk diya!

When I sprout from my Grave

Mukhtar hoo main tagaful se tire

Phir bhi magar, chain-o-karaar nahi

Kabar se mire, jab gul banke khilu

Eh bewafa, aab se khair inkaar mat kar dena tu

----

I am free of your neglect,

yet I am not at peace

When I grow out as a flower from my grave

Oh unfaithful one, do not deny me of water.

Main Raakh Hoo

Dil mera raakh hai

Is raakh kya kya karoge?

Maathe pe laga lo ge

Ya hawa main uda do ge

Dibi main bandh, apne paas rakh lo ge

Ya matke main bandh, jal parvah do ge?

Is raakh ka kya hi kar lo ge?

Undelivered Khat

Mera khat tujh tak pauncha nahi

Shayad Kahi gum gaya hai

Dil bheja tha tere liye pauncha nahi

Shayad kisi aur ne rakh liya hai

Dil doosra kaha se laau, milega nahi

Ab tu hi bata, karna kya hai?

Memory of silly me

Like this setting sun

One day, I too shall set.

Like this orange hue

Ones to miss me will only be a few.

The night keeps you company

My poetry will play my symphony

The stars sparkle, and the moon welcomes

I'll fade away slowly with the clouds

To you, I'll leave behind a promise

A new dawn shall keep my memory alive.

A memory of silly, a memory of poetry, a memory of me!

Ishq Waala Poem

Aaj socha kuch ishq pe likhte hai,

 

Insaan jab co exist karna seekh jaata hai, woh ishq karne lagta hai.

 

Ishq main woh seekhta hain silence main jeena.

 

Ishq main woh rukna bhi jaanta hai Ishq main letting go bhi jaanta hai.

 

Ishq main jab insaan selfless ho jaata hai

 

Tab ishq main insaan taral ho jaata hai.

 

Last line - borrowed by a poem of @udan khatola.

Ghar

ज़रा गिरेबान मै अपने झांको,

यहां फोन पर रोता बेबस मजदूर मिलेगा

यहां पुलिस से पिटा दाढ़ी वाला खां नहीं कुमार मिलेगा,

यहां घर जाता कोई खामाखा मारा गया खा मिलेगा

यहां बूडा भी मिलेगा

यह बच्चा भी मिलेगा

यहां अध्यापक भी मिलेगा

यहां छात्र भी मिलेगा

बेवजह मारा हर कोई मिलेगा

यहां दलित भी, यहां छुआछूत भी।

साथ ही साफ तोह करिए अपने घर को भी।

Neele Chatth

Uss neele chatt ke neeche, hum dono kuch iss tarah sooye

Ek din jab subah uthe, bas aankh malne lage

Ek dooje ko pehchaan ne se bhi, inkaar karne lage. 

This too is life

You are wise.

You are young

There is more to life

That's the surprise.

You will be wiser

You'll be older

That's when you realise

This too is life.